S&M by the dashboard light

As I was driving to Circuit City this morning I noticed the funniest license plate frame ever. I swear on my life it said, "Not your average submissive." And this wasn't on some creepy looking car, or a piece of crap car, or some funky customized car. It was on a 2004 Jeep Liberty. Unfortunately I couldn't see the driver but they were probably just your average looking person. It just seemed hysterical that someone would want to advertise their kinky sex on the back of their car. Do their coworkers know about this? Do these people have kids? What do their neighbors think. I'd like to believe that everyone in their lives is totally cluless. I wonder if everyone thinks that they mean that they are bossed around at their office or something. Or that they take a lot of crap from people.

I can only imagine that it was some regular, boring office guy and he's at his kid's PTA meeting and some stupid woman is like, "Gary, that's so funny. I wouldn't call you submissive. I mean, you always seem so assertive at these PTA meetings."

Sirius, seriously

In about 2 hours I will be getting Sirius satellite radio put into my car. I'm very excited and very (bi)curious. I can't wait for all of that music without commercials. Not to mention the NPR and the Martha Stewart. And I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't excited to hear the first completely uncensored Howard Stern show. I'm sure that just by thinking that I'm supposed to turn in my mebership card for Club Feminist, but I don't care. Drunk, attention-whoring strippers are funny!!! Plus I'm getting the home dock too so that I can put it in my living room when I'm not driving.

I shall report back on the results. It will certainly be nice to live without having to listen to commercials for car dealerships and viagra when I just want to rock out.

i need a Zoloft

I called Dion (the dude from CK) today to check up on things. He said that I did fine on the test that checks to see if i'm not a crazy, theiving drug addict. There were so many weird questions on there. For instance it asked if you would lie to a 9 year old who was showing you her ugly painting. How do you answer that? If you say that you would lie, then you are a liar. If you say you wouldn't lie and tell her that her unicorn is fugly, you're a horrible person. Oh well, at least I passed. Now they are waiting on my background check, which I'm not worried about at all. Thank god those cops never figured out that I was responsible for all of those dead hookers.

But he told me he has to call my references. I don't think anyone has ever done that. Not even when I became a teacher. I'm not worried that they will say anything bad, I just want the job so damn bad. I want them to officially hire me. Then i can relax.

Madonna Blows Elvis (out of the water)

As I sit here at 7:30 AM (because Jack decided to get up at 5 today), I am watching the Today Show. They were just talking about how Madonna has now tied Elvis with having 36 Top10 hit singles. Yay Madge! Good for you. I'm torn about who I should root for. Elvis did give me away at my wedding, but I had a full-on mega obsession with Madonna when I was younger. What I will say is this- the new album rocks and I think the power of kabbalah is doing something right. I mean, she must've sold her soul to someone to have a body like that!

It's like Days of Our Lives

This is getting ridiculous. Here's what is going on with my working life, in a nutshell.

Went to CK and interviewed for Associate Manager. It went well. I was supposed to meet with William, the regional manager.
Waited a few weeks, kept calling, couldn't meet with William. Got frustrated. William told me he would have Dion (another manager) interview me. I was fed up at this point because it had been 3 weeks since my first interview so I started looking elsewhere. Interviewed at Starbucks, and it went well. Dion called me on Friday to tell me that he was already working the position I was going for but they could offer another position, but I'd only be making 17,000 a year. Thought that was cragy and I never called them back. Had an interview Monday at Starbucks and was hired. Suddenly today Dion calls me to tell me they can offer the original position I was going for. Plus he tells me that he will be the General Manager and is probably leaving so then I would have his job. If that's the case I will be getting 47,000 bucks a year (roughly)!!! So now I have to look like an asshole and call the manager at Starbucks and tell her I can't work there. I didn't even know what the job at starbucks was going to pay me so I called today and it's considerably less than at CK.

i feel like a jerk. A rich, rich, jerk.

I can't wait to be drunk with power.

Shanks

So Ann wrote a list of what she is thankful and it made me think. So here's something I'm thankful for:

I always knew I had great friends but it really hit me hard this week for my and Jack's birthdays. It makes me happy to know that my friends are so awesome that they all called and said "Happy Birthday." Alli and Reese even sent some clothes for Jack and I have a sneaking suspicion that Jenny sent a Traget gift card. Maybe because she asked if I had a Target near by. Hmmm...

Anyway, thanks to everyone for calling. Even though we live so far apart and hardly ever get to see each other it warms my cockles to know that you haven't forgotten about me.

While I'm snacking on my Tofurky tomorrow I will be thinking of all of you. Happy Thanksgiving, and don't forget to pop some GasX before you begin your feast.

finally

I got the job! YAY! it's so exhausting waiting for a job. I start next week. I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep early.

piss off, verizon

I remember awhile back Pete was pondering a switch to Vonage. We used to have Qwest but Verzion is the only one in our area now. Only one except Vonage. I just switched because it's half of what I pay now and that doesn't even include the extra we pay for long distance. Not to mention the fact that it's impossible to get someone from customer service on the phone and when you do they are either incompetent or rude. I'm so glad that I can tell them to kiss my ass. Take that James Earl Jones.

Oh Cho, what happened?

I'm sitting here wathcing Margaret Cho's new film, stand up thingy called Assassin. I love Margret Cho. We all know this. But not as much as Ann does. Ann might take a bullet for her. Well, she would've, but I think Ann's mad at her because she's lost a bunch of weight like a big ol' hypocrite. And I agree with Ann. I guess if she's being healthy then that's cool, but I'm doubtful.

I hate to report this but it's not that funny. It definitely has its funny moments, don't get me wrong. But it's very preachy and very slow. Now I have nothing agaist speaking your beliefs, but if you are supposed to be making people laugh then you need to present your beliefs in a humorous manner. I'm so sad. What's happening? I commend people who use their voice to help others but I would also like to laugh.

got milk? nope

For the past few days I've been pondering dairy. I have nothing against cows or dairy products for any ethical reasons. But there is a lot of info about why it's not the greatest for humans. It makes sense when you think about it from a biological standpoint. I wouldn't breastfeed my dog. (Or would I?) There's a cool website that is affiliated with Peta. It's calledMilk Sucks . There's a lot of good info about why dairy isn't very good for you and by not drinking dairy you can get rid of a lot of current health problems and prevent future ones. So I'm going to do a little experiment. I'm going to phase it out of my diet. But don't worry. I'll never be a vegan because nothing could ever come between me and my Burt's Beeswax chapstick.

Plus, Madonna doesn't eat dairy and I will do anything she says. Because I love her. In a sick, obsessed way.

enuff's enuff

What the hell is it with all of these incredibly good looking and thin celebs donning fat suits these days to prove a point. I swear, in the last three weeks I've seen it on Tyra, Access Hollywood and the Today Show. Every person says the same thing,

"People were gawking. I got treated badly. I was embarrased and upset. It was heavy. People are so mean to fat people...blah, blah, blah."

Is this something that we didn't know already? Is someone really gonna see Tyra get all weepy in a fat suit and think, "christ, I've been so shitty to fat people, i guess I was being mean and I should stop."

And here's what I say to that--"Fat Chance."

People know when they are being mean. People don't respect fat people, especially fat women. Not that I'm saying it's ok but it's not going to change anytime soon. Just like I'm not going to stop making fun of crack whores anytime soon.

get your nails did

As I sit here watching Inside Edition I'm stunned. They are telling this story about how "Spederline" are in NYC and Brit Brit takes a break to have her nails done. Now I know there have been rumors that she is getting low on the cash (although I don't believe it), but low enough to risk a fungus?????

My friend Tamara is a nail tech and she has educated me about why you never, ever want to go to an Asian nail salon. They are notorious for not following proper sanitation guidelines. I know that Britney likes to slum it (did someone say K-Fed?) but c'mon girl. Pony up the cash and do it right!

oh the wait is agonizing

In the next chapter of my Starbucks saga I can say that I'm 99% sure I have the job. I think they are just waiting to find a store to place me at. I actually called the regional manager again today to thank her for the interview (I'm such a brown noser) and we had along conversation. She apparently lived in NYC for awhile and we were chatting about humorous living situations and the horrors of doing laundry in a big city. She's so nice and if I don't get this job I will be convinced that I am unhirable because I literally answered every question so well that I shocked myself.

I even spoke with the Ass Man (that's assistant manager, for all of you who didn't know) at our local Starbucks and she said that they are looking for shift supervisors, so it would be nice to work there because it's only 5 minutes from home.

I just want to work already!!!! AARRRRRGGGHHHH.

gimme gimme gimme

I got up at 6 today to take Jack to daycare and I had gone to bed at 1 the night before. After I got back home I decided to go back to sleep. When I got up I realized that I had missed a call. I checked the voicemail and lo-and-behold it was the regional manager from Starbucks. I was not expecting to hear from them so soon. So I called back ASAP.

She was really nice and she told me that the district manager had called her this morning and was excited about our meeting last night. Hot Damn! I was very impressed and excited to say the least.

I have a phone interview in 12 hours. I'm so excited and nervous and I really, really want this job. Oh god I need this job, please god I need this job, I've got to geeeeeet thiiiiiiiiis jooooooob!!!!!

Johnny Quest thinks I'm Sellin' Out

So I had my interview at Starbucks today. It went well. It was actually two interviews in one. I first met with a store manager and then with the district manager. The district manager is passing off my info to the regional manager tomorrow. YAY! She actually told me that should not be a barista and that I should be management. That's what I was trying for but it's just nice to hear someone with clout validate me. I just want to start working. Uggghhhh....I'm in the bell jar. Jenny, help!

Kevin, go get me a stick of butter and a pack of smokes. If you need me I'll be watching the Gameshow Network all day.

one more step up the pretentious ladder

I'm so excited I could pee a little. We found a kick ass health food co-op that's really close to us. This is quite surprising because we don't live in an area with a lot of people who would shop at a place like this. This place is so cool. It's small but it has everything that I love. Almost all the food in there is organic and they have a ton of vegetarian stuff. They even sell Tofurkys, which I will be enjoying in a few weeks. They were even playing Elliot Smith over the speakers. We became members and I will now be doing the bulk of my shopping there. It's so cool to know that I am a part owner of my grocery store. There should be more places like this. Take that Walmart!

and the bullshit continues

Once again I am living proof that going to college does not guarantee good employment. I have been waiting on an interview with the regional manager of Calvin Klein. He lives in Vegas but is up here right now because they are opening a new store. He usually just does phone interviews but since he was going to be in town the girl who interviewed me wanted me to meet with him in person. I've been persistent in trying to get a meeting with him but he's always "too busy." I saw him for 2 seconds today and he said he would have one of the assistant managers interview me. But who knows if he will remember to have that guy call me up. I say this because he was supposed to call me when he came into town and never did. I don't even think I'm competing with anyone for the job, they just need a second interview. Stupid formality. I've been holding off on working anywhere esle for 2 weeks because I was waiting for this jackass to talk with me. I would like the job because it's close to home and it pays well but I'm so frustrated.

I've decided I'm just going to start looking elsewhere. I'm not going to hold my breath with this. If they want to give me the job they can but I've got bills to pay and shoes to buy. I'm going to a Starbucks job fair tomorrow. I would only work for them if they gave me a management position. I still am not happy at the prospect of working at a Starbucks but there are a trillion of them around here and I have the experience already.

When will Paris Hilton decide to be a kind-hearted philanthropist and just give me a lump sum of cash?

Don't come a knockin' if the van's a rockin'

It's official, I am a mom. I know you are thinking, "Of course she is, she popped that cute little bastard out a year ago."
No, no, no. You people should know by now that having a baby does not make you a mom. Having a minivan makes you a mom.

Yesterday Collin and I went out and got ourselves a minivan. We think I should get a giant "MILF" decal for the enormous back window. You may scoff, be my guest, but let me tell you something---minivans are much cooler than one may think. I've been in a minivan but never drove one before. They rock. You could freakin' camp out in them if you had to, there is so much room in there.

So I've got the husband in the military, the kid, the dog, the minivan, Walmart...all I need left is a big, ostentatious american flag for the front of my house and I'd be living the american dream.

Oh god, who have I become???? I need a cocktail and a bisexual orgy. Stat!

In the year 2000.....

I was just thinking about blogs and blogging and something occurred to me:

In the future when the spacemen come and make us their pets (please reference the Porno for Pyros album to see where I got this notion), and they try to figure us out, they will look at our blogs and emails. Here's what I have surmised.

They are going to think that we are nuts, and maybe we are. They will think that all we care about is sex and music and completely odd, random bullshit. They will wonder how we were able to rule ourselves for so long. How we ever learned to eat with utensils and tie our shoes. They will be so mentally advanced that even the smartest of us (Leah and Kevin, stop thinking about yourselves, Ann-stop staring at the squirrel) will seem like an audience member on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

So, to Zothar---I hope you enjoy reading about my trivial and boring life. And "nanoo nanoo."

It can't rain all the time...or can it?

Ok, sorry for the terrible Crow quote up there, but it was appropriate. Today I saw the sun for about an hour. That was the first time it had appeared in a week! It's been freakin' freezing and rainy for so long now I feel like I may never be warm and dry again. It's so depressing. I completely understand why Kurt Cobain blew his brians out. Well that, and being married to a coat-tail riding psycho.

That reminds me,we just rented Last Days and I was unimpressed. But it did remind me of how hot a man wearing a slip and Docs can be. Takes me back to junior high. And the fact that I actually got to see Nirvana on their final tour. Take that suckas!

And speaking of movies...

I'd like to take a second to pay my respects to someone who just passed away. When I used work at the Film Forum I worked with a guy named Glenn Rivera. He was an usher and if you went there at all during the last 5 years you would know who he was. He knew more about movies than anyone I've ever met. He had an interesting story for every subject. He used to be a bus boy at the Playboy club in Manhattan (when it was still there) and the Bunnies got him drunk one New Year's Eve. He also went to Studio 54 after his graduation while wearing nothing but his graduation robe. He had cancer but no one even knew because he was a hard worker and never mentioned it. He was a great guy and he added a lot of character to that theater. So the next time you go see a film there take a gander at the big white lilies by the ushers' chair and think of him.

Doggy Style

So Ann, perhaps you thought that your beagle, Phil Collins, was the cutest dog in the world. Well, I'm here to tell you that you are wrong. My sweet cyber chihuahua puppy, Ovaltine, is actually the cutest.

Collin just bought me Nintendogs as an early birthday gift (along with delicious Dr. Mario) and now I'm addicted. It started with Zoo Tycoon and now it's escalating. I have never been a huge fan of video games. I never quite got the appeal (this excludes my desire to stay up till dawn with Jenny and Kevin and battle them in Dr. Mario). But a new problem has arisen- animated adorable animals. Now I'm hooked. I'm going to spend at least an hour petting my fake dog tomorrow while ignoring my real dog, and my family.

And that, my friends, is why the Japanese have ultimately won.

I'm a Ponderin'

So I'm sitting here watching that show Yes,Dear (it's lame but i'm doing homework and too lazy to change the channel) and it's all about how the women want more babies and the men don't. here's something I don't understand: Why do some women want so many kids? I seriously don't get it. Maybe I'm horrible for saying this but one kid is enough. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother and I'd be devastated if I didn't have him in my life. I'm sure that most people with siblings would agree that they love their brothers and sisters, but what if they never had them in the first place? My mom wanted 5 kids and ended up with 2. I have always been very happy with this arrangement because I never had to share very much and got plenty of attention. I always had my own room and a fair share of presents under the tree.

In addition, why do these women want to take care of these kids? Jack is one of the best babies I've ever seen and he still gets on my nerves sometimes. You can't get anything done when he wants to play and crawl and poke and meddle. It's nice to snuggle with a baby, I understand, and I'll miss that when he's older. But I wouldn't want to replace those feeling with some other baby. I know every parent says that they love their children equally but I just don't think that can be true. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't feel the need to spawn a million babies. I'm sure there are many people out there who are glad that i have chosen not to populate a small nation.