movin' on up

No Tony Danza, I'm the boss.

Kevin called tonight (YAY!) and I was telling him about my potential promotion at work. My area manager comes next week to check up on the store. I know this is a big deal because she is going to see if I can hack it and if I'm worthy of becoming the GM. I would really like to be but it seems a bit scary, i won't lie. I think I'm just about ready for it though.

I think that I really underestimate myself. I think Amanda (my boss) sees more potential in me than I do. That's pretty cool because it really motivates me to work harder and better.

It's so insane to think that I will only be 26 and running a 5 million dollar store. We are in the top 5 of all Calvin Klein stores. I'll have my own business cards. How strange. I'll get to go to the GM meeting in California next year.

I think I just still feel like a dorky kid and that's why it's hard for me to imagine being really successful. I guess I should start reading the Donald Trump collection. I am much better about being a bitch these days. It was a bit of a struggle at first but now it's much easier.

Well, i'm freakin' exhausted and need to get to bed. Just remember: I'm your girl if you ever need some CK jeans at 30% off.

beard, waffle, tattoo

Every day jack learns something new. he's always learning new words which is pretty amazing. Today he learned how to say "beard," "waffle," and "tattoo." We are very proud.

I am working on "Dolak." So far he's got the "Do" but he can't quite figure out the rest. I will continue to be vigilant.

staring at the stars

When we got home tonight I noticed that I could see the stars. I really noticed because I've lived so many places where you can't see the stars. After awhile you forget that they even exist. But when I saw them it was so nice. I felt like I was a little kid agian. I remember staring at the night sky and never being able to see any constellations besides the dippers.

I like looking at the stars because it makes me feel tiny. It reminds me that there is a big huge world out there, and then I think of An American Tale and those mice that sing to each other.

It makes me sad to think that Jack will see the stars even less. As cities grow and stay bright through the night you can't really see all of the stars. Sometimes I wonder if the cities that I love so much are really ruining the things I take for granted. It's kind of depressing. Sometimes I just want move out to the middle of nowhere and live simply. I think I would get bored thogh. That sounds truly pathetic.

Dear Fat Ass, "Get that Twinkie out of your chubby hand." -love, Jesus

I saw a thing on the news earlier today about Christian-based weight loss programs. All these people kept saying that they replaced their desire for overeating with their desire to live like Jesus, blah, blah, blah.

I think this is a good thing. It's obviously getting people healthier and that makes God happy and when God is happy the heat wave will go away. It's hot because people are sinful and god is P.O.'d.

M. Night Annoying Voice

Is anyone else as bothered by that obnoxious whispering voice in the trailer for this movie? I know it's supposed to be creepy but it bothers me on a whole different level. It's just unsettling. Not "unsettling" like scary,but more like if I saw that girl on the street I'd punch her in the face.

I guess it also bothers me that none of that guy's movies are either good or scary. Even his Amex commercial is annoying.

WWYD? (What Would You Do?)

Obviously for anyone who currently works with people on a daily basis, or has in the past, there is a point at which you just want to flip out on some assholes. The person you might unleash your rage on isn't necessarily doing anything horrific, but they might just ask you the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I wonder how many years I can hold back before I totally just lose it and tell someone to get fucked? i would like to know how everyone else feels about this. Has there ever been a time where you freaked out on someone at work? did you get in trouble? If you haven't done it yet, why not? Do you think you ever could?

Discuss.

Where Gambling Addictions Begin

Word to yo mutha!

We went to Chuck E. Cheese tonight. We actually didn't go because of Jack, we went because a 28 year old coworker of mine is leaving soon and she wanted to have a going away party. I can honestly say I think it had been 15 years since i had been to one.

I don't remember it being so small and i don't remember it being so loud. It was seriously louder in there than at Ozzfest (not that I've ever been to Ozzfest, but I can only imagine). The anamatronic show is still as creepy and ancient looking as ever. The food is overpriced and you can get a piece of crap squirt gun for 100 tickets.

But the kids go nuts for it. They are begging for tokens and lining up at the Skee ball like crack addicts. The staff is young and unfriendly and there are filthy kids running around and making a mess. I'm now out $35 and probably have TB or something.

Hoffman Gang Bang vs. 10,000 Cocks on Their Faces

Can I just say that this whole thing has made me very nostalgic for the good ol' days of the Hoffman Gang Bang. Damn, I miss you guys. We really need to gang up on people more often.

I just love the interweb so much. Who could've thought that one simple comment about a deranged Disney program could cause me and the people I love to be threatened by a bunch of barely-legal, hypocrites? It's exhilarating. Hey guys, do you remember when we were 18? I do. I remember things like being highly intelligent, having good taste, not caring about television programming geared toward someone half my age, booze, drugs, bumming smokes, ditching class; all of the things that normal 18 year olds do. By the way, the next time you guys head out to Assrape, you should swing past where these people live and buy them a cup of hot cocoa with a side of hairy eyeball.

I guess for starters I would like to point out that I did check out that other website and I do find it disturbing and, no, I am not the webmaster for it. Or maybe I am and I spend all of my free time writing nasty things about the Doodlebops to lure other fans and then force them to view my website. Damn I'm devious. Here's the thing, if a 40 year old likes the Doodlebops i see the situation this way: She's obviously emotionally and mentally immature and unstable, so her husband cheats on her because she's truly obnoxious to deal with. Husband proceeds to leave her, wife is devastated, starts living vicariously through her children, eventually downward spirals and develops and unhealthy obsession with the Doodlebops. Now her children hate her, she subconsciously hates herself and her life is a sad, empty heap. Her good years are behind her and now she's just a middle-aged weirdo. You guys, on the other hand, should be more concerned with things you can still have fun with while you are young, like shoving 10,000 cocks in your mouths.

I would also like to mention that Stephanie found me and decided to attack/annoy me first. If she couldn't take the heat, maybe she should lose her "online privledges." Besides, she seems vulnerable and naive and I would hate to see all of those creepy internet predators get to her, like me and Pete. Didn't you know that we were both featured on Dateline's Internet Predators show. I'm that 50 something rabbi and Pete is that dude that teaches 6th grade and was hoping to meet up with a 12 year old girl to "hang out."

In addition, why would it be ok for me to seek out and attack the people who run that other website, but not your dear friend Steph? Aren't they both just human beings with feelings too? Why do those people deserve it but Stephanie doesn't? is it because you are friends with Stephanie and you think she is such a sweetie and was just defending the people she admires? Because you know what: there are millions of people that bought Creed albums (Sue) and we all make fun of them too.

You have caused my dear friend Ann some severe trauma and I really believe the only way she will get over it is to see a photo of one of you with 10,000 cocks on your face. So if you could please submit your entries to Pete ASAP we would all be appreciative.

With love and squalor,

The Biatch

The Inner Workings of a Tortured Mind

It's quite disturbing that I have to do this, but I feel that it is imperative to address this frightful situation. So I'm going to break up Steph's comment back to me and try to figure out some things along the way.


Okay,

All I did was back up Ryan's statement. That the people who play the Doodlebops are nice and caring. Unlike me, you don't know ANYTHING about how they are outside of the show...so don't act like you do. Seriously.

First and foremost, Ryan is actually a good friend of mine and therefore is allowed to say anything he wants to me. He is not some 18 year old who trolls the web looking for every rant and musing about children's tv shows. True, unlike you I don't know ANYTHING about how they are outside of the show; and I would really like to keep it that way. I actually have a job and pressing priorities in my life (not to mention good taste) that would prevent me from wasting hundreds of dollars trekking my ass to Canada to actually meet these people. I don't care if they are the most caring bastards on the planet or if they gang bang each other after each taping, I DON'T LIKE THEIR SHOW!!! I am allowed to have my opinion on this matter.

And to judge me just because of my website and age? That's pathetic. You don't know me. I devote my life to the Doodlebops? That's where you are wrong bud....but i DO take pride in any work I do, Doodlebops or not. I've run many other websites in the past.

Yeah, it's terrible of me to judge people who I've never met, I know this. But guess what...that's just how it is. My friends and I are pretty much of the like mind that if you like something enough to devote an entire website to it, and it's totally lame, by default you are lame too. Even more, if you can't make fun of yourself I feel sorry for you. As for the other websites you've made, i shudder to imagine their subject matter.

Why my blog is stuff about me and the doodlebops? because i hardly write in it. maybe you should check out my myspace: www.myspace.com/raspberrykisses I use that wayyyyyy more. You can see I actually have a life.

Now that I thank about it, I feel honored that you actually took the time to write a whole blog about me and my site. I'm sure to get way more hits now. Thanks!

-- Steph*
www.deedeerooneymoe.net

I did go to your myspace profile to gander at the other unimaginable horrors I would find there, but it is set to private. I'm sure that the millions of 9 year olds who read my blog have now gone to your site, and maybe some of my friends too (namely the ones who are pedophiles)because I've mentioned your site on my blog.

Show Me the Fat Fuck Who Would Eat This

You can actually get a burger at BK now with four beef patties, four cheese slices, multiple bacon strips, special sauce and no vegetables. Not only is there not one single thing on this sucker that is even remotely healthy, the website actually brags about the fact that it has no veggies.

I think this burger is a vegan's nightmare. We assessed the situation and realized that we wouldn't even be able to get four meat patties out of our dog. I think this whole burger is the back end of a cow and all the dairy it could produce in a month, slapped between two sesame seed buns. Not to mention an entire pig's worth of bacon.

Why don't they just be frank about it and call this thing the Fat Ass, the Damn I'm High Right Now, the Bulemic's Binger, the Navy Wife Delight or the Delicious Heart Attack?

"Nobody shall speak ill of the Doodlebops"

I was gonna let this slide until I checked out her website (http://www.deedeerooneymoe.net) and if you go to it you will see why I just couldn't not write something here. In case you have no idea what I speak of, just check out the comments left on my Doodlebops post from yesterday.

Now I'm sure that "steph" is a nice person who means well, but it makes me shudder to think that this girl is 18 and she is devoting her life to a creepy Canadian kids show. Her website is just insane and her blog is just a series of photos of her with the doodlebops. In addition, she must scour the net everyday to find anyone talking smack about the doodlebops and then setting them straight.

Guess what? I don't care if they are nice people. For starters, they have to be nice. It would ruin their image if they stumbled around town in a drunken stupor flipping people off and screaming obscenitites. Second, I'm not attacking them as people, but you would have to pay me a fortune and give me a lifetime supply of vicodin to be part of that show.

So, unless you are a candy-kid raver or just think you are being funny or unique, it is unhealthy to obsess about a kid's show when you are 18.

Doodlebops make me want to KILL

Seriously, how could you let your kids watch this crap??

For those of you who have no reason to watch the Disney channel you are probably not familiar with a show that I am convinced is one the signs of the apocalypse. It's called the Doodlebops and it's about a "band" (and i use that term very loosely) of two guys and a girl who look like drag queens from the late 70s on acid. They ride around on thier cracked out tour bus and think about things like "teamwork" and "friendship."

At the end of every episode they put on a concert for an auditorium full of real kids and their parents who actually paid to come see them. The kids scream like pre-teens screaming for *Nsynch while the Doodlebops lip synch and and pretend to play their freakish looking "instruments."

And of course you are asking yourself: "If this show causes you so much anguish, why would you watch it?" Because Higgly Town Heroes comes on right after and Jack and I love that show so we just tough it out for 20 minutes of hell. I know it makes no sense, but that's how we do it in my house.

Roomies!

I'm very excited because our tiny family is going to have another member. And before you all crap yourselves thinking that i'm preggers...I'm NOT!! We are getting a roommate.

Our friend Chris, who is on the ship that Collin was on, is coming back here in about a month, after fornicating with whores in foreign ports for the last 5 months.

We talked to him the other day and he mentioned that he wanted to get a house when he gets here and needs to look around. I sort of threw it in there that we were going to be renting a house and that it would be really fun to live with him. Surprisingly, he agreed. He is obviously either crazy or a saint for volunteering to live with a toddler that did not come from his own loins.

Plus it will be nice to split the rent with someone and Jack will have another buddy to play with. And Collin and I will have some respite from our boring lives.

It's weird though because I haven't had a roommate since my senior year of college. I think it will work out fine though.

By the way, chris informed me that you can have sex with a Thai whore for the equivalent of $28.

Sorry Ann, Mine's Better

these are my cards

Collin bought me a deck of tarot cards the other day and then I got a book on how to do readings and whatnot. I read through the book a bit but considering there are 78 cards and a lot of history behind them, I couldn't memorize the whole thing. When I went to our friends' house last night I brought the cards and the book.

We did a few spreads (get your mind out of the gutter!) and it really helped me get more comfortable with the cards and their meanings. I still need a lot of practice before I can get comfortable enough to dress like a gypsy and start charging people.

I felt like Ann when she did my "reading" in vegas. I kept having to flip back and forth in the book to figure everything out and some of it just seemed weird. Certain things didn't seem to make sense but it was interesting and fun nonetheless.

All in all, it was so much fun conjuring the devil!

KABOOM!

Happy 4th! I hope everyone had a good one. We went to a friend's house just a couple blocks away and ate and drank and played Taboo. I actually had to get my team to say "sperm whale." They got the "whale" part easily but then all I could think to say for "sperm" was "It comes out of a penis." What a weird thing to get someone to say.

Then we went outside because my friends' had bought fireworks. One of the ones that are supposed to go really high before it explodes, only went about 10 feet up and then went off. It blew up right in front of us. I almost had a heart attack but jack didn't even cry. I am not a big fan of fireworks when they are up close. I never have been. Luckily everything was fine and now I'm just wasting time when I should be sleeping. Damn, I'm going to be tired at work tomorrow.

who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?

So I'm just sitting here, watching the tv when I see a crystal light commercial that I've seen a few times before. I guess I've never paid much attention to it before because I failed to notice that this one woman says that drinking Crystal Light makes her want to buy pretty underwear.

Really? Not only does this sound stupid, it also sounds completely false. So why even say it? Is there anyone who would watch this and actually agree? Couldn't she just say that she likes to drink it because she thinks it tastes good?