Hollow Weenies

All who know me know that Halloween is pretty much the only holiday I celebrate. I love it, i'm obsessed with it. This year was super cool because I got to give out candy to cute kids with Jack. I dressed up Jack as a little brown bear. It was cute. I went as Blanche Devereaux from the Golden Girls. It wasn't my best costume ever but it was sort of last minute so i couldn't be picky. It was nice being able to give kids candy so that they can get a head start on their childhood obesity and type 2 diabetis. It was much of your typical affair: darth vader, fantastic four, princesses, witches, etc. But they were cute and it's nice to see that people still take their kids trick or treating. I am always afraid that Halloween is going to become extinct one of these years. I will put up pics tomorrow when I am motivated enough to upload them. In the meanwhile you will just have to dream about how cute Jack was. Until then...

MMMMMM....tastes ass-y!

A few years back we were coming back from Europe and had to make a quick stop in Belgium. As the plane was landing we were going through a rain storm and the plane was shaking really bad. It was very scary and we thought we were going to die. For a moment I was thinking that if we crashed and I lived I would be forced to survive by feasting on Ann's ass. Every now and then I find myself wondering what Ann's ass would actually taste like. Well, I don't have to wonder anymore.

I wish I was kidding, but there's a new product on the market called HUFU. It's a soy-based product that tastes like human flesh. Here's an actual quote from the FAQ page of their site:

"Who actually buys HufuTM?
HufuTM was originally conceived of as a product for students of anthropology hungry for the experience of cannibalism but deterred by the legal and logistical obstacles. However, our preliminary market research revealed the existence of a larger segment of the public that was interested in the availability of a legal and healthy human flesh substitute, as well as vegetarians and vegans. We also found that HufuTM is a great product for cannibals who want to quit. HufuTM is also a great cannibal convenience food -- no more Friday night hunting raids! Stay at home and enjoy the flavorful, convenient human flesh alternative."

And, apparently it got its name from Milla Jovovich. Seriously.

Ok, I know I'm a vegetarian, but can I eat this stuff? It is soy. And I never said I wouldn't eat people.

My future hair

I'm sitting here doing homework and waiting for Law & Order so I have to wait through Apprentice: Martha Stewart. I'm only half watching it when lo-and-behold I see one of the coolest things ever. They are having this charity auction and the auctioneer has my future hair. She was a woman in her 60s with shoulder-length, wavy gray hair. But it had bright pink streaks in it. This woman looked very professional and well-to-do and she had pink in her hair! I'm so inspired. I can't wait to be old, rich and hip.

Sweet, sweet Nog

I knew if I could just be patient it would all payoff. It's back!!!! I'm so freakin' happy. I look forward to this every year. It's the only good thing about the Christmas season. I went to the store today and it was finally there. For about a month there has been nog, mind you, but not soy nog. This shit is the shit! You mix a little spiced rum in there and a little cinnamon and drink it down and it's oh-so-good.

So go to your local grocery store and pick yourself up some of this. You won't be disappointed. And if you are then you can burn in hell with the rest of the "real" nog.

My Own British Nanny

We finally found day care for Jack and I'm so happy I could just shake something. I was unable to get Mary Poppins or Sherry Bobbins but I did find a nice lady who lives a few houses over who is starting her own in-home daycare. Everyone says she looks like she could be my older sister. She's very cool and Jack loves her and she's got a million cool toys. I feel better knowing that Jack will be somewhere that he can have fun and be safe. Plus, she doesn't give me grief that I don't eat meat.

So Ann, it's a good thing you will be getting a Rottie and not a baby, because you can leave a dog home by themself and you don't have to pay someone to watch them all day. Unless you are one of those weirdos that sends their dog to daycare. If you ever become like that I will fly out there and slap you. By the way, if you move out here (hint hint) you could have a lot of land for a whole pack of rotties.

Speaking of Mary Poppins, have I mentioned that Kevin Dolak is practically perfect in every way?

I'll be the next Kate Moss, without the coke

Good news on the employment front...I may be the next Associate Manager of the Calvin Klein store near me. I had an interview today and it went very well. I will have another interview next week with the regional manager. I'm excited, I've never been a real manager before. I want to buy a whip and abuse my staff. I want to become a total fashion snob and walk around going, "I'm manager of Calvin Klein." (this of course will be said like winona ryder's character in Reality Bites)

So the next time that you are praying to god that you aren't preggers or that you didn't knock that chick up, put in a good word for me too.

I swear I'll go back to church god

I've been poking around looking for a job that can support my shopping addiction and the $150 it takes to fill my car each month. It's kind of tricky because I don't want to commute to Seattle and there isn't a whole lot of good salaried jobs around here. It's mostly retail and coffee, and I'm kind of sick of both of those. It's not so much that I would never do that again but I want to make the fact that I have to put Jack in daycare worthwhile. And I want to have a job that requires me to have a breifcase, so that I can feel important.

I came across a position at Everett Community College that seems cool. It's to be the director at the bookstore there. I'm not 100% sure as to what I would be doing exactly but the lowest starting pay for the job is $50, 000 a year, which is quite a lot for where we live. I'm sending in a resume and all of that good stuff on Monday so we'll see.

I really need a good paying job. After 2 years of almost nothing, something has got to give. So keep your fingers crossed, say a prayer, sacrifice a virgin, slaughter a goat, whatever it takes. I need this job!!!!!

Strovin' Rovin

Kevin just sent this link to Sam Rovin's MySpace profile. When I clicked on the pictures this one came up, and I threw up in my mouth a little. How terrifying and sad at the same time. Why does that guy always feel the need to expose his chest. Someone should make a law against it. Why are we debating abortion when there are clearly more pressing issues at hand?

Green with Envy

I read Trent's post today on Pink Is The New Blog and I'm so happy and jealous. He's getting a REAL blog I guess and he's jet setting around the country doing cool things and meeting new, exciting people. He used to be a teacher and now he's making all of this money just writing funny comments about celebs. I wish I was him. he has my dream job. SIGH. maybe someday, after I'm done pimpin' I'll switch careers. And then I will rule the world of celebrity gossip.

What Year is This?

I'm sorry, but did I miss something? I thought it was 2005 and not 1955. It's strange because whenever I watch commercials that involved cooking or cleaning products they seem to be aimed at women. Last time I checked men were supposed to be capable of doing some of these things too, right? I mean Collin cooks and cleans as much as I do, because we are equals and we share responsibilities. But we must be the only ones in the fucking world because Mr. Fucking Clean, every mother fucker at Swiffer, those Tyson chicken bastards, and every other company that makes home-realated products still thinks that women either

a) do all of the cooking and cleaning or
b) should be doing all of the cooking and cleaning

For starters I am obviously miffed at this, but it got me wondering. When women see these I bet they feel guilty that they aren't "doing their womanly duties," whether they actually realize or not. So if these commercials are consciously/unconsciously making women feel that they should cook and clean more or cook and clean better, could it fuck with men too? Maybe this is why most men feel that it's perfectly ok to be royal fucking slobs. And maybe this is why so many couples fight. Women think men are messy, men wonder why women won't clean up after them, women wonder why men won't clean up for themselves. Women are so busy with kids and jobs that they can't keep their house like Marhta Stewarts' and then they feel shitty.

For once I'd like to see a man in a commericial who is doing more than grilling Johnsonville Brats or nuking a microwave meal. Or maybe a guy in filthy clothes cleaning something other than his ridiculously large truck that hides the fact that he has a small penis.

Ode to Cable

Oh sweet, sweet cable. I have missed you so much. I'm so glad that you have come back to me. I'm so sorry I neglected you for so long. Those bastards at NPR convinced me that I could live without you, but I can't. All those delicious shows: the Daily Show, E True Hollywood story, the terrific educational shows on TLC and the History Channel. Damn, I can't believe that I survived these last few months. We shall never part again my love, never.

Jane, you ignorant slut

I've been looking around for a good daycare to put Jack into. As much as it pains me to do it, we could really use the second paycheck. And since Jack will be an only child I think it's good for him to learn how to play with other kids and not become a selfish bastard. Plus, he's gonna need something to talk to his therapist about someday and this will just be one more thing he can blame me for.

We've only gone to a few places so far, but I think I've found one that I like. However, in my search I came across something troubling and I'd like to complain about it.

At one place we went to I was inquiring about how they feed the kids. Some places feed them everything and at others you supply the food. FYI, Jack doesn't eat real adult food yet, he's still eating the stuff in the jars. This is completely normal for a lot of kids and he isn't underweight or anything. Not to mention that I still breastfeed him (and I will gladly pat myself on the back for that). Back to the story, she told me that they supply all the food and I told her he still eats baby food. And here's exactly what she said back to me:

What does your doctor say about that?

Well FECK YOU too woman!!! I was so pissed but I thought maybe I was overreacting. So then I asked her what was on the menu and she showed it to me. 90% of the food they give them has meat in it. I told her we didn't eat meat and if that was going to be a problem. She looked at me like I was from Antarctica or something and then told me that she'd never had any vegetarian kids in there before. I know we live in a rural area but that seems cragy to me. Do 1 year olds really need chicken fettucini and spaghetti with meat sauce (these were on the menu)? I really don't think so. Then she began questioning me about where he gets his protein. She really needs an education in nutrition if she thinks that dead animal flesh is the only place to get one's protein.

We thanked the lady, promptly left the daycare center, and decided right then that we would not be sending Jack there. Shouldn't daycare places be sensitive to the beliefs and choices of parents?

Going Postal

I'm in a quest to find a full time job right now. I need something that will pay a lot because

a) I'm a greedy, consuming whore and
b) daycare is cragy expensive so my pay has to justify me working and putting Jack into a daycare around here

But I think I've found the solution: our glorious United States Postal Service. I wish I could say that it was the band that I was joining but I guess I'd have to be able to sing or play an instrument for that. All I have to do is take a test (and they send me a study guide beforehand) and then I go in for an interview. How could they not hire me???

I have excellent people skills, an impeccable sense of direction (if they need to to be a carrier) and my rack would look hot in one of those navy blue postal sweaters (tee hee). Seriously though, I love their uniforms. I've actually been tempted to ask people in the post office if non-postal employees can buy that stuff anywhere.

Here's the best part. They pay you $18/hour for simply passing the test and having a high school diploma. You can earn up to $50/hour if you score higher on the test and have a college degree.

I may get chased by dogs or have to deal with moronic customers but when I'm chillin' in my hot tub that's filled with champagne it will be so worth it.

Always White Trash...Always

This is what our new place looks like.

So we recently moved to a town called Marysville. It's about 30 minutes to an hour north of Seattle, depending on traffic. It's an interesting place to say the least. There are your normal places: Safeway, major banks, good restaurants, etc. But then we also have a tractor crossing sign at the end of our street. The high school down the road (which I may eventually teach at) has a Future Farmers of America program and there are farms all around here. It's nice and quiet though and our place kicks ass. But there is one aspect of our new surroundings that shines above all others.....the Super Walmart.

Let me back up by saying that I despise Walmart. They are the biggest corporate assholes on the block, besides McDonalds, and they actually have combined forces because every Walmart has a McDs in it. They run smaller, local grocery chains out of business and force mom and pop stores to raise their prices, move or shut down all together. They treat their employees like crap and bully their suppliers. If you can stomach all of that you still have to contend with the other patrons: people with visible stink lines, poor dental hygiene, filthy ill-behaved children. But here's the kicker:

You can get everything there, and most things are so cheap they are irresistible. I've always lived closer to stores like Target, so my boycott of Walmart was pretty easy. But around here it's kinda the only game in town, and it's right down the road (next to a casino and the greatest outlet mall ever). I'm ashamed to say it but I've buckled and joined the white trash masses. I feel all dirty inside, but the really good kind of tofu that I buy is only $1.50 there!!!! It's insane. How can I say no to that?

....i hate myself...