A couple days ago my friend Tamara gave me "Corn Chip Nail Tips" and I love them. Every now and then I get the Ghetto Fabulous Bug and I have to resurrect the long acrylic nails. They aren't Flo Jo long,just slightly longer than my real nails. But they kick ass!

50 CCs of Sarcasm...STAT!

They are showing reruns of House MD right now, before the new season begins. I have never seen it until recently and I love it. I just love that Dr. House is such an arrogant bastard. If my doctor weren't so cool already I would love it if House were my doc. I'd let him be a jerk, and I'd love every second of it.

I would pray from some crazy, obscure disease just so that he would have to treat me. Plus, that guy from Dead Poets Society would be there too. And I'd be hooked up to tubes and computers and DPS doctor guy would recite O Captain My Captain to me.

And at the last second, just before death, House would figure out what was killing me and he'd save my life. I'd try to thank him later but he'd just look at me sideways and make some snide remark.

and I wouldn't even mind forking over the massive copay.

Still Rockin' Da West Siiiiide

(the Lincoln is the ship that Bush landed on)
"Hey Collin, can you whip me up a steak with a side of dead iraqi baby?"

So we finally know where we're going to be moving....just across the Puget Sound (I love saying "puget" btw). It's a city called Everett and it's only about a 30-45 min drive north of seattle. Maybe we will actually go into seattle a bit more often now. Taking the ferry blows. It's a pretty ride but you practically have to donate your eggs to afford it. Collin will be going to the USS Abraham Lincoln. We don't really know if thats good or bad, because he's never been on a ship before (besides the Love Boat of course). At least it will be different from where we are now and he won't have to be washing dishes at the hospital. It will be nice to leave this boring town. Jenny and Pete can attest to its incredibly small size. Plus all of the rest of you can come visit us now! Yay!

I start another class tomorrow. ugh. It's not hard, just time consuming. I did get an "A" in my first class, which was nice but I would've been pissed if I got anything lower.

Someone should start writing the screenplay for the movie of my inspiring career as a teacher. I know this is a little soon but I'm gonna be right up there with Stand and Deliver and Dangerous Minds. Except I have better skin than Edward James Olmos and I'm not quite as hot a Michelle Pfiffer. But I'm still motivational and inspiring. DAMMIT!

Or maybe I'll just let the kids say "Fuck" in class and they'll think I'm rad. That would be fine too.

i'll let this speak for itself

I'd like to buy the world some coke

I swear, if I didn't have a baby I'd probably go off the deep end. Here's how it would go down:

I'd move to either NY or LA (preferibly NY because I have friends there and because even thinking about LA makes me gag) and get a ramshackle studio apartment that I would fill with a mix of Ikea furniture and stuff from garage sales. People would say that it had "charm" and what they would really mean is that it's rat infested and creepy but it's close to all the action so they come over and hang there anyway.

Then I'd get a really great addiction to pills (uppers and downers) and like Elvis, I would pretend like it's not really an addiction because they are prescriptions and not filthly street drugs. I'd be like Karen from Will & Grace but without the sass and class.

Next I would adopt the Mary Kate Olsen style of "Dumpster Chic" and I'd look fabulous. Those enormous sunglasses would be perfect to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. Of cousre I'd be increibly thin at this point too. Because I'd be spending all of my money on designer clothing and handbags. (I wouldn't be paying for my prescriptions though because I'd be blowing my doctor for all of those free samples they always have in that one magical closet at every doctor's office.)

Finally I would join a cult: either Scientology or Kabbalah. I'm not quite sure which. It's hard because Kabbalah has Madonna and Britney but Scientology has Beck and aliens. It'd be a coin toss.

And of course I'd be stalking Lindsay Lohan (you can totally see nip in the picture above) until she allowed me to hang out with her svelt, blond posse.

Who's with me on this one?

I don't even know what this has to do with anything but I randomly found it on some site and I had to put it up here. Makes me miss the gay Kens.

Evaporation Nation

We all know by now that Lindsay Lohan is too skinny and should be force-fed nachos until her ta-tas reappear on her chest. But there's a new waif on the block...the Duffster.

Last night I was watching the Tonight Show and Hilary Duff was the musical guest.(As long as you don't have a Mac you can see video of it on the Tonight Show's website.) She's part of this idiotic Toyota summer series of concerts and they are scheduling the worst music ever. For example, Avril Lavigne performed on Friday and Ashley "Milli Vanilli" Simpson will perform tonight.

Apparently Hilary Duff is now a coke head or something because I think my dog weighs more than she does. She's also now sporting very short, black hair. She was wearning these 4 inch heels too. It was bizarre. The most disturbing part was that her upper thighs don't touch anymore. I'm not exaggerating when I say this either. You could've hidden a small immigrant family between them , there was so much room.

Not that I liked Hilary Duff before, but she used to wear T-shirts and converse. She performed at the Republican National Convention for god's sakes. Who is allowing this very young girl to starve herself like this? And who is allowing her to still make movies and albums? This must be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

I'm Loathin' It

When I woke up the tv was on the Today show. There was some stupid woman talking about how she lost 37 pounds on her McDonalds's diet.

People are officially crazy. She says that Super Size Me made her mad and she wanted to show that people are responsible for themselves and what they eat. On this point I do agree with her. However, I don't think that this should get Mickey D's off the hook. They still spend billions of dollars a year making people think that they can eat healthily with their newer menu options (salads, yogurt, apple slices, etc.) What they don't tell you is that most of their salads have fried chicken on them and ranch dressing. Plus their full-fat yogurt that's chock full of high fructose corn syrup isn't doing anyone any favors.

If people want to be fat then they can be fat and eat whatever they want. I really don't care about how other people want to live their lives. But if you want to lose weight you can't rely on McDonalds to be your health food source for the rest of your life. In 90 days almost anyone could lose 37 pounds as long as they eat fewer calories than they were before. This doesn't guarantee that the weight will stay off though.

Oh well, this woman may not be as fat as she was but she'll probably have a heart attack in 10 years. Will Ronald McDonald weep over her grave? Doubt it.

An IUD is much better than a DUI

This may be a little bit more info than some of you might want to know about me but today I got an IUD. I'm in a little bit of pain but it'll pass and the best part is that I don't have to use any other birth control for 10 years!!!! Which is terrific because the president will probably outlaw all birth control any day now and unless Laura Bush comes knockin' on my door telling me she has to yank it out of me, I'll be protected while you other ladies will have to keep your legs tightly crossed. I highly recommed it. The one I got has no hormones and no real side effects. Plus it's only about the size of a penny so you don't feel it. AND IT LASTS FOR 10 FREAKIN' YEARS!!!!!!!

However, my doctor warned me that if you get an STD with it in it can be horrific so you still need to use condoms be responsible like Ann and you get yourself checked regularly. My doctor actually checked to make sure that Collin and I weren't swingers because he wanted to make sure I wouldn't be contracting any funky diseases.

I guess we'd be more interesting if we were swingers but I'd rather have the IUD than the Clap.

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar...

...bartender asks, "Why the long face?"



I was at the mall today and as I was walking through Macy's to get to my car and saw this enormous poster of Sarah Jessica Parker. I was kind of startled so I stopped for a moment to figure out why it was there.

Turns out she has her own fragrance now--Lovely.

I was curious so I tried it, and unfortunately I really liked it. I say "unfortunately" because I hate her. I like Sex and the City, and Girls Just Want to Have Fun ("Sorry, I don't have anything smaller than a 50") but I really can't stand SJP.

But I really want the perfume, and I don't want her to have my money. What's a girl to do?

I guess Carson really DOES BLOW!

Last night Tamara was over and we were gabbing like usual and before we knew it it was very late. I usually don't stay up past Conan so I haven't seen Last Call With Carson Daly in ages (not that I ever watch it intentionally). So we were shocked when it came on and the person talking seemed to be a skeleton in jeans and a blazer that had a slight resemblance to Carson Daly.

I don't know if anyone has seen him lately but he is now the male equivalent of Lindsay Lohan. I'm not kidding, our jaws dropped. I don't know if he's doing coke or what but he has lost a lot of weight and it does not look good.

Oh well, maybe he's been tweekin' with Natasha Lyonne. They sit around picking at their Crack Scabs talking about how bad they suck. God I wish!

34D Suckas!

I went to Victoria's Secret today to get a couple new bras. The underwire just came out of one and Dracula had chewed another. I wanted to know what all the hype was with the new Ipex bra so I gave it a try. It's the best bra ever, and I'm not just saying that because I fear the wrath of Tyra Banks.

The only downfall is that they are not cheap. For the price I paid this bra should wash my dishes or something.

Oh well, in a few months when I'm done breastfeeding I will certainly lose these massive jugs. I am actually looking forward to it. I know this is blasphemy but I hate having big boobs. What i'm not looking forward to is having a rack that looks like one of those topless tribal women in National Geographic. ***shudder***

Oh well, I guess that's the price I pay for feeding my baby naturally so that he'll have a higher IQ than the rest of your babies or future babies. Ha HA!

Puddin' Fest '05

Kevin has made my week. He told me the other day that everyone's beloved Pudding Pops are back. I was so excited I got a box on the way home from work. If anyone would love to see some suggestive photos of Collin and I with the Pudding Pops just let me know and I will email them to you. I'm sure you're excited now!