only an hour and 10 minutes....

I'm watching AFV right now and I'm counting down the minutes until Family Guy. If I were rich I would pay for my own, private series of Family Guy. I would pay all of the animators and writers a ludicrous amount of money to create about 3 to 5 new episodes for me only, every week. I don't care how bad of a week I've had or how much crap I have to do next week, when I see a new Family Guy it makes everything better.

Sometimes I like to pretend that Jack is Stewie. Am I taking it a bit far?

Here's looking at you, late fees.

Ok so i just finished watching casablanca...finally. Damn that stupid movie. It was alright but certainly isn't going to be worth all of the money that I now owe to Hollywood Video. It just seemed to go on and on. I actually started cleaning our apartment while I was watching it because I just couldn't pay attention. I don't need bombs exploding in a movie or gratuitous sex or anything but it wouldn't hurt to pick up the pace a bit. Plus, I'm really tired of films with Nazis. Enough with the nazis already. Yowza. Well I guess I'll be dropping it off tomorrow and the next time I go in to rent something I'm going to cry my eyes out when they tell me how much i owe.

The Greatest Radio Station EVER!!!!!!

So not too long after we moved here Collin stumbled across this little gem on the dial-- KEXP. It's a "listener powered radio station" (and I swear I will donate money when I have it!). They play the best stuff and there are no commericals at all. Plus they broadcast live on the internet too: www.KEXP.org. I am attaching this photo of the DJ that's on every morning when I wake up. i have a soft spot in my heart for him because while I was pregnant and unable to sleep much due to my never-ending need to urinate and the uncomfortable cankles, he was sleepy and out of sorts because his wife had just had a baby. I felt a silly connection.

Anyhoo, It's a kick-ass radio station and you should ch-ch-check it out.

California Luv...maybe

So having to deal with the Navy is quite like living in a crazy soap opera (much like Passions). In the ongoing saga of "Where will the move next?" we found out today that supposedly in a week we will get to pick where we're going next. But here's the catch: there's a bunch of other poeple who have to pick before us, and we get to pick from whatever is left over. On the list was San Diego (our first pick), Florida (but the nothern rednecky part), Everett and Whidby Island (which is by where we already are), Virginia (which is cool because it's almost like "Vagina") and Hawaii. I'm not gonna fret too much over it because there's not much I can do but wait. Then we are supposed to move probably in october.

I'll explain the entire situation in a more concise way that will easily explain why dealing with the military is incredibly unbearable: When you get to the bottom of it, Bush is Collin's boss.

And we all know what a great job he's doing.

****A quick note for the government employee who is being paid to read this: I love the President, I swear. Please don't throw me in jail. Thanks.

I hate casablanca

Since I have never seen Casablanca (and since it's kinda one of those films that's mandatory viewing) I rented it....over a month ago. I still have not watched it. However, I refuse to return it because I want to see it eventually and I'm so deep in late fees at this point it seems ridiculous to just return it although I still haven't watched it. I feel like they should just give it to me by now. Damn you Casablanca. Damn you!

I am CRAGY

So, as if I'm not busy enough (with the jobs and baby and all) I've decided to finally finish my Masters Degree/ teaching certification. I start Tuesday. I'll be done next June so it's not like I'll be in school forever and it's online so I can just do it at home. I figured that I should just suck it up and do it. I think that a year from now I'll be ready to teach again. I'm a bit nervous but excited too. I'm glad that at 25 I know what I want to do with my life. My dad is almost 60 and it seems like he's still not sure. Plus I can't really bake pies for the rest of my life.

Rock the Bonnet

So I've decided to bring back the bonnet. Seriouisly. I'm sewing a bonnet right now and I'm gonna start wearing it around town. I want to get other people wearing them too. They are being made out of really cool fabric in an attempt to modernize them. If anyone is interested in trying to assist in my cause just let me know and I will make you a bonnet.

P.S. Mine are cooler than the one in this picture.

Humping Mister Ed

I swear on my life this is a real story. Collin and I are watching the news as I type this and they just covered this story. So I went to the website and put the link up here so you can all read it.

To summarize: Bestiality is LEGAL in Washington state!!! And some dude just got killed while he was having sex with a horse!!!!!

You just can't make this stuff up.

Extreme Vagina Makeover

Ok, so those of you who read Ann's blog on myspace know that she wants a labiaplasty. I'm totally whelmed. Sure, it's a little freaky that people can actually get that done, but it's even wierder that some women look all ragged down there. I'm noting this in regards to the website that Ann linked to in her blog. It actually has before and after photos. The "before" have either got to be porn stars or women with 6 kids. YIKES!! I'm very glad that I had a C-Section. Ann is currently accepting donations for the surgery. I would donate but I don't think they can fix a slanted Asian hoo-hoo. Sorry Ann. <

Somebody's getting married...

I just wanted to put up this "CONGRATS" for Jenny and Nate and Shirl and Steve. I am very happy for all of you. Just to let you know our entire wedding (flights included) only cost $1000!!!! And that included Elvis. You simply can't go wrong in Vegas. Did I mention that we got to see a nudie show the night before?! Awesome.

Oh, but like Ann says--- "I WON!"

The voice of god

On Saturday morning we set the alarm for 7:30 because we had to get up and get some things done. Most of you are probably not up that early on the weekends but if you are you may know that many radio stations broadcast public programming then. Sometimes it's idiotic but sometimes it's really good.

When the alarm went off this booming voice was talking. It sounded like the voice of god, but not in a scary way. It was Howard Lyman. Who the hell is he? That's what I thought too. We ended up laying in bed for 45 minutes just listening to him. It turns out that he's the guy that had to go to court with Oprah against the cattle ranchers in Texas. He's a fourth generation cattle farmer who is now vegan. This seemed crazy to me because the only other person who's lived on a farm that I've ever known was my step-dad. And he eats meat everyday, and he's killed animals and none of it bothers him in the slightest. I'd also like to mention that although he gets plently of exercise, has never smoked or drank, and is not overweight--he still got colon cancer, probably from all of the meat.

As soon as the broadcast was over I went to the computer to check out his website. It's packed full of info and helpful links and stuff. Yesterday we went to the bookstore and I bought his book-Mad Cowboy. I finished it before bed, I literally couldn't put it down. It's absolutely terrifying in parts. It talks a lot about Mad Cow disease and how cattle are basically ruining the planet through overgrazing and desertification. He also talks about rendering plants and how they grind up multiple parts and species of animals (including fecal matter) and then resell it as feed for cows, pigs and chickens who will be slaughtered in the future. And if you have a pet you might want to switch them to vegetarian food because they put this crap in dog and cat food as well.

There's so much more info that I couldn't possibly put it all in here. You should really check it out for yourself. All ethics about animals aside-- eating meat (fish included) is bad for our bodies and our planet. I was a vegetarian for the entire time i was at college. Shortly after I moved back to Phoenix I had begun eating white meat and fish again. I think that's about to change again.

So to Kevin and Shirl- feel free to tell me "I told you so."

Screw You Margarine

Collin got this thing from work today that compares butter to margarine. It scared the hell out of us and we promptly stopped by the grocery store to get some butter. I've been using margarine my whole life because people always say that it's better for you, but apparently it's terrible for you. In the article that Collin got it said that margarine was invented to fatten turkeys, but it started killing them so they added yellow coloring to it and began selling it as a "butter-like spread." Apparently it's only one molecule away from being plastic. Unfortunately the article has no website connected with it but I found one with some other info. I just googled it and a bunch of stuff popped up. Here's a blurb:

WHAT IS MARGARINE?

'Hardening' vegetable oil by bubbling hydrogen through it at high temperature produces margarine. The hydrogen saturates some of the carbon-carbon bonds of the oil. The product then becomes hard or solid at room temperature. When the carbon bonds are saturated, the product is called a saturated fat. Margarine contains some saturated fat. Otherwise it would not be hard at room temperature. The ads and the packaging for margarine are often deceptive. Advertising often states it contains 'polyunsaturated oil'. However, the processing saturates or partially saturates the oil.

Margarine begins as chemically-extracted, refined vegetable oil. This is a poor quality product to begin with. The high temperature needed to produce margarine destroys any vitamin E, and perhaps other nutrients left in the oil. Also, the final product contains trans-fatty acids. These are man-made fatty acids. Research shows that trans-fatty acids increase inflammation in the body. This can worsen illnesses such as colitis and arthritis. Very recent research indicates that trans-fatty acids in margarine raise LDL levels. LDL is the "bad" cholesterol.

Hardening agents used in the production of margarine include nickel and cadmium. Nickel is a toxic metal that in excess causes lung and kidney problems. Cadmium is among the most toxic of the heavy metals. It may contribute to serious diseases such as arteriosclerosis, high blood pressure and malignancy.

Click Here for the rest of the article

Lesbian Baker with a Hole in Her Head

Ok, so the last 2 days have been more exhausting than when I was in labor, or at least it seems that way. I now have 3 jobs (well 3 paying jobs, since moms only get paid in diapers and drool). I still work at the bank, i also have my ebay business/website (www.TrendsDowntown.com), and now i'm a lesbian baker.

I know you're thinking, "We always had our suspicions about her being gay, but we didn't know she could bake too!"

Actually I'm a baker at this place called Shari's which is like a Denny's, Coco's, Perkin's, etc. And Collin decided that I needed steel toe boots in case i drop a box full of cinnamon rolls or a sharp knife on my foot. So i now have these massive, construction-worker style boots that i wear when i go in to work. And, as much as I feel bad about buying into stereotypes, it really does look like I'm on my way to pick up my girlfriend to go to a poetry slam and an Indigo Girls concert.

So I worked there today and yesterday. But today I had to get up and work at the bank and then I had to get a cavity filled and then i had to run home and change into the boots so i could bake some gay pies and cookies. I'd like to add that in between these events I only had an hour to eat, change, relax for a second and feed jack. And since I'm still breastfeeding, I am totally unable to do anything else while he's eating because i'm just sort of stuck on the couch.

I did find out, however, that the mercury levels in the silver fillings isn't high enough to make me crazy, which is good because I've had 4 cavities filled in the last month and they are cheaper than the tooth-colored ones. And me being broke trumps my desire to not go insane from mercury poisoning.

I just hope someday when I a bigillionaire with gold teeth that I can look back on this time and think, "How did I work all of those jobs? It's so much nicer out here on this yacht!" And just as I'm taking another sip of my Cristal the world will explode and it will be all for nought.

So, because of these jobs, I took inventory of all the jobs I've done in my life so far. I'd also like to make mention that the 3 jobs I currently hold do not require the degree I spent 4 years getting. I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I went to college was to abuse drugs, perfect my procrastination skills, and travel to different countries with my friends---to abuse more drugs. Here are my jobs (in no particular order):
barista (I've done this one numerous times)
baker
waitress
host
Ram Van driver
High school teacher
bank teller
ebay seller
tutor
film usher
theater box office person
theater concession stand person
tuxedo rental girl

I'm sure there are more but I'm too tired to even breathe anymore.

Bzzzzzzz..........

EXTRA EXTRA!!! READ ALL ABOUT IT:

VIBRATORS MORE POPULAR THAN TOASTERS!!

I just read a really interesting article on vibrators that was in Slate Magazine Online.

They were so in demand that they actually entered the home before the electric iron, and more homes had a vibrator than a toaster. Because of its sexual nature it was often secretely marketed to women in the form of a back massager or even a vacuum attachment.

All I know is that if my vacuum had a vibrator on it I'd have the cleanest carpet in the land.

Red, White & BOO

Unless you have been living under a rock (or are Canadian) you know that yesterday was the Fourth of July. No matter how you view the holiday--a joyous celebration, a day off of work, an excuse to get drunk, a reminder of all of the bad things the US has done and continues to do, etc.--I'm dissapointed with the military's fireworks display. And I've decided that American citizens should not be allowed to purchase fireworks.

Last night we went to this thing called "Red, White and Boom" (yeah, it was as corny as it sounds). It's put on by the Navy and here's what we saw when we got there:

First, it was on the upper level of a parking garage. As we walked out of the elevator at the top floor we were auditorily molested by the band that they had hired which was horrendously loud, and the members looked like they were going to blow whatever they got paid on meth after the show.
Then, we began to walk around and noticed that the place was filled with stupid Navy guys (obviously) and their even dumber Navy wives. In true, white-trash Navy fashion, their filthy children were running amok totally unsupervised.
The fireworks started really late, and sucked, so we left before they were even over.

Maybe if the government wasn't spending so much money keeping Dick Cheney's baboon heart beating and funding the killing of innocents they could afford a decent Fourth of July event for their sailors/soldiers.

On our way home there were all these rednecks on the side of the road shooting off fireworks. I cannot stress enough how completely unnerving this was. Have you looked around the country lately? Would you trust people to have explosives? These are the same people who barely got through the eighth grade and they are drunk and this is supposed to be safe, and patriotic?

god help us...

WATCH OUT! There's a Thetan behind you.

Article about Tom Cruise and Scientology


So Collin and I have been a bit fascinated by Tom Cruise's actions lately (just like the rest of the world), but since Scientology has its headquarters right by where Collin used to live it's sparked an even greater interest into that kooky religion/cult.

You may find it interesting to know that L. Ron Hubbard (the founder of Scientology) was a big fan of H.G. Wells. Also, the original radio broadcast of War of the Worlds was put on in part as a Halloween prank by Orson Welles and also as an experiment in mind manipulation and mass hysteria by various government agencies.

How very bizarre that, allegedly, Scientology uses mind control/ mind confusion techniques on its followers.

Was Tom Cruise using his summer blockbuster to further the cause of his religion? Will Scientology benefit from this film? Maybe not by attracting new members but certainly from a financial standpoint. It has been said that you must legally sign over a certain percentage of your money &/or property when you are a Scientologist. I'm sure Tom made a bundle from this film and surely a large chunk of it will go to Scientology.

Let's just hope that sweet, little Dakota Fanning is smart enough not to fall into Tom's clutches.

STEP OFF MY UTERUS!

It sucks to hear that Justice O'Conner is retiring. And by sucks I mean I just might have to actually move to Canada if some crazy, right-wing, conservative, anti-choice bastard gets her seat on the Supreme Court. However, it's nice to know that the first woman to be a Supreme Court justice had to grow up in the same place that I had to spend my boring-ass youth.

Now every woman's legal rights to her hoo-hoo, noni, bearded clam, etc. are in jeopardy. If the Bushies and the Baptists have it their way Roe v. Wade will go the way of the dino. ONWARD back-alley abortions, HELLO unwanted children, HURRAH for child abuse!!! I'm so glad that my Christian pharmacist refuses to fill my prescription for Ortho Evra! God will take care of my seven children, right?

I know that everyone is broke these days and donating money is hard, but there are other ways to help. Check out these sites for more info and free ways to help: writing to your sentators, putting up flyers, holding a "honk and wave," and many more.

Ladies, we owe this to ourselves.

Fellas, if you don't want to be a baby daddy you better get in on this too.


NARAL
Planned Parenthood