Holla Back!!!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'll Wang Chung with Ellen anytime!



I only caught the first half of the Emmy's tonight because nothing will keep me from watching Family Guy, NOTHING (Do you hear me god?!?!). i'm so sad because hardly anyone was laughing at Ellen. For those of you who don't know...Ellen is my best friend. i love her, i would take a bullet for her. She is so funny and people should be shot for not laughing at her, even if it really isn't funny. If I were gay i would date her, and i don't care that she's currently with someone else, it wouldn't matter.

I am incredibly sick of the Desperate Housewives. Here's what I think- people need to get their own interesting lives and stop relying on TV to fulfill their "sex with gardeners" fantasies.

Her hunger makes her a bitch


"I want attention and a double bacon cheeseburger"

last night I was watching Conan and Lara Flynn Boyle was on. For starters, i don't like her very much, but she gave me good reason to hate her last night.

She was telling some insanely stupid story about her dog finding a dead rat and because it was so boring Conan was interjecting trying to spice it up. She couldn't handle being interrupted and she kept getting pissed at Conan. It was so painfully obvious that she didn't even want to be on the show anyhow. But she was on promoting Las Vegas. I'm sure that schlepping around to every talk show trying to hype your lame show must but really tedious, but you get paid a shit load for an easy job and it's not "real" work anyway.

When she first came on she was complaining about how she couldn't smoke in the car onthe way over. I guess NBC had to send Conan's personal car over to pick her up and the driver told her that Conan didn't let people smoke in it. She essentially told him to "fuck off" and smoked anyway. How could anyone be that disrespectful to Conan?!?

i think she's just starving and it's making her rude and bitter.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The other drooling man in her life



So unless you've been living under a rock you know that Titney and K.Fed had their baby. Interestingly her new fragance, Fantasy, is launching this week too. Coincidence? I think not.

I think that Britney Spears is actual a robot that has been designed by the religious right and here's how I got to this theory.

The religious right hate women, we all know this. So they create britney and they make her cute and innocent at first. They get preteen girls hooked on her. This way they forget about important things in life like being smart and independent, and instead they focus on lip gloss and low cut jeans. This way they will grow up thinking that it's cool to be ditzy and cute and that all you need is a man on your arm and a toothy smile on your face to make you happy. But their plan was two-fold.

The other part is that after these girls were hooked they would change Britney as her and her fans got older. They turned her slutty. Now slutty Britney would get these teenage girls to be slutty too. The parents of said "slutty teens" get mad at the media and start complaining. Thus, religious right gets to slip in their crappy christian programming.

But, just like in every sci fi movie, the robot went bad. She got TOO slutty, they couldn't wrangle her in. Then she met K. Fed and the rest is history.

So suck it up people. Sean Preston Spears Federline is here, he's queer, get used to it.

p.s. Please buy Fantasy, we all know that they must be hard up for money, they look filthy.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Bid Y'all

Check out my friend Tamara's auction. Proceeds go to the Humane Society for all the pets affected by Katrina.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Kevin Dolak, Practically Perfect in Every Way

Check him out at YawnYawnYawn

I have failed you all miserably. When I set out to write on this blog I promised that I would write everyday so that you would always have something fresh to ponder over while you are wasting time at work. But I haven't lived up to my end of the bargain.

But in fairness I have been pretty busy. And my site isn't quite as popular as The Superficial or Go Fug Yourself. But if it was, and if people were paying me for ad space, I would certainly get my act together to entertain you all more often.

But once again Kevin, you have outdone me. I just can't seem to 1-Up you, no matter how hard I try. But alas, you haven't seen the last of me....

Papa don't preach, but I sure do...



Has anyone seen the commercial for the Rokr iTunes phone with Madonna et. al. in the phone booth?

I'm scared and saddened for Madonna. Not many of you know this but when I was in fourth grade I was painfully obsessed with Madonna. I had every album and merch and I even dreamed of Madonna. It's true. In college Paul even bought me a book called "I Dream of Madonna." So could do no wrong in my eyes.

Even with all of her bad press over the years I still held firm. But after Ray of Light I just couldn't handle it anymore. That's also when Kabbalah took hold. It's just been a slippery slope from then on.

Now she's stuck in a phone booth in the desert with other musicians that no one cares about anymore. And it's for a phone that doesn't even seem very cool. It can only hold 100 songs. What good is that?

So Madge, enough already, just be rich and old and crazy in the UK and go out gracefully.
(pics courtesy of Pinkisthenewblog.com---Trent is hysterical!)

Clit-tastic

Ann- I win again. You will never beat me with anything, ever. Well, you have softer skin...but that's it.

Here's how my Saturday night went:

-Friend Tamara comes over.
-Attend my friend Donna's batchelorette party, which happened to be at a piercing/tattoo shop.
-Enjoyed the girl from Passion Parties and purchased some fun stuff.
-Joked about the giant purple dildo.
-Waited for stripper who never showed up.
-Watched some drunk girl get her belly button pierced.
-Joked with Passion Parties girl about clit piercings.
-Passion Parties girl gets clit piercing.
-Erika and Tamara consult girl and piercing dudes about clit piercing.
-Erika does it.
-Erika talks Tamara into it.
-The ladies depart with holes where there were none before.

The lesson being....when women have to wait an hour for a stripper to show, and he bails, crazy shit happens.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Phew.

I finally heard from the woman who I get all of my ebay stuff from. She lived in Bay St. Louis, Miss. and I hadn't heard from her in over a week. I was really worried because her town was hit very badly. She said that she was trapped in her attic with 11 adults, 2 kids and all of their pets. She said they almost drowned but then they were rescued and spent 2 days in a shelter. They are now with family in Alabama. She told me that they are homeless and have no cars either. Many of her friends drowned as well. There are 20 people staying in the house where she is and she has lost her business and everything.

I asked her if she needed anything (on top of money, of course). I'm just waiting to hear back from her now. If anyone has anything they can give please let me know. Personally I'd rather give to someone I know rather than a big agency.

My Offspring



In case you were unaware or in denial: jack is cooler than you can ever dream to be. He's so cool that his hair actually grows in as a mohawk. Considering he will probably be the only thing to EXIT my loins ever, I'm pretty glad that he turned out the way he did. But please enjoy him while you can because as soon as Ann gets near him she will consume his flesh.

Picture courtesy of Pete "Peetaguy" Reali III. Check out his website Peetaguy.

UHaul should be paying me



We are about to move over to Everett (Oct 1) and thankfully the government moves all of our stuff. The catch to them moving you is that they don't take your stuff to your new place the same day that they pick it up. Instead it takes a few days so you have to move your essentials yourself.

This means I will be taking a trip to my local UHaul to pick up a trailer sometime soon.

After living in New York I feel like I should've purchased stock in UHaul. Considering that I used to hang out with the owner's daughter in high school I feel like I should be given some discounts or something.

Couldn't they have a "punch card" like your local coffee shop? After the four(?) moves that I have done with Kevin and the 2(?) that I did with Jenny I think I would've filled that card by now.

Why couldn't I have invented UHaul?!?! I'd be so rich that I could punch Paris Hilton in the face and she wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it.

Monday, September 05, 2005

When I Think About You I Touch Myself



Collin and I got to go to the movies for the second time since Jack was born and we saw The Constant Gardener (which was excellent), but we also got to see some new trailers. With 3 new jake gyllenhall movies coming out my future looks bright.

First, there was the trailer for Jarhead. He could be eating the heads off of babies in this film and I would still see it because he appears to be shirtless and sweaty throughout most of the film.

But then came the trailer for Brokeback Mountain. Holy crap! Let me summarize: jake and heath ledger are hot-ass, dusty cowboys that make out with each other in secret while living "normal" lives on the side. Dee-lish. Apparently someone has been reading all of my erotic fantasies in my diary and has turned them into a screenplay. But this begs the question: Would it be illegal to bring a vibrator to the theater with me when I see this movie? I'm just checking.

But Proof has Gwyneth in it so that's gonna be my "cold-shower." sigh. Oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I think we're cursed



I don't know what it is about this time of year. Just as it's coming up on the anniversary of 9/11 we have another national tragedy. Granted, this one was caused by nature, but it's still horrible (obviously). It's hard to imagine that only 3 years ago Alli and I went to mardi gras down there. I hate to say it but I'm glad I got to see it in its original state, because it will never be the same.

The woman I get my ebay merch from lives (or lived) in a city that was hit. It's called bay st.louis, mississippi and it's right between new orleans and biloxi. I can't get a hold of her and I hope that she's ok. I've been trying to contact her but all of the phone lines are down.

I know that it's hard to get in there to help because of the flooding but it seems crazy that these people have to suffer when so many people want to help. Collin would be more than happy to be deployed down there to set up a MASH hospital/galley (he's attached to a fleet hospital and this is what they do) but instead he has to serve the cranky hospital staff.

Being that it's the first of the month and most of us just got paid I think we should each give $10 to help. I know we have rent to pay and everything but I think $10 is small. A pack of cigarettes, 2 drinks, an entree. Although it's gonna be painful when i go to the gas station tomorrow, I'm just glad I have a home still.

Besides, Walmart gave 15 million bucks, and we all know that they're bastards.