I'd like to buy the world some coke

I swear, if I didn't have a baby I'd probably go off the deep end. Here's how it would go down:

I'd move to either NY or LA (preferibly NY because I have friends there and because even thinking about LA makes me gag) and get a ramshackle studio apartment that I would fill with a mix of Ikea furniture and stuff from garage sales. People would say that it had "charm" and what they would really mean is that it's rat infested and creepy but it's close to all the action so they come over and hang there anyway.

Then I'd get a really great addiction to pills (uppers and downers) and like Elvis, I would pretend like it's not really an addiction because they are prescriptions and not filthly street drugs. I'd be like Karen from Will & Grace but without the sass and class.

Next I would adopt the Mary Kate Olsen style of "Dumpster Chic" and I'd look fabulous. Those enormous sunglasses would be perfect to disguise the dark circles under my eyes. Of cousre I'd be increibly thin at this point too. Because I'd be spending all of my money on designer clothing and handbags. (I wouldn't be paying for my prescriptions though because I'd be blowing my doctor for all of those free samples they always have in that one magical closet at every doctor's office.)

Finally I would join a cult: either Scientology or Kabbalah. I'm not quite sure which. It's hard because Kabbalah has Madonna and Britney but Scientology has Beck and aliens. It'd be a coin toss.

And of course I'd be stalking Lindsay Lohan (you can totally see nip in the picture above) until she allowed me to hang out with her svelt, blond posse.

Who's with me on this one?

I don't even know what this has to do with anything but I randomly found it on some site and I had to put it up here. Makes me miss the gay Kens.